Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Sore Loser

The May weight loss challenge ended at the gym today. I didn't want to compete but I was talked into it. A trainer reminded me that I've lost 70 lbs without even having a great diet. Surely I can really kill it in a month if I combined diet with exercise. Well I came in 2nd place at -11 lbs. The winner dropped 16 lbs. Afterward I thought 'fuck it' and I went to Crossroads and scarfed down two veggie burgers (which is essentially bread between two slices of bread). As I drowned myself in carbs I was reminded that I was always a bit of a sore loser.

As a kid, whenever I really wanted to win a contest -which was almost everything I entered-  I would seethe, strategize, intimidate, figure out who I had to bump off, contrive Game of Thrones conspiracies. In the 2nd grade I was running for class office against 2 opponents. I got a standing ovation for giving a thoroughly memorized speech about why I would be the best class officer ever and I think I stopped just short of promising world domination and making everyone a lifetime winner (so much winning, you're gonna get sick of all the cookies). No one told me to do this but I remember giving my speech while glaring directly at my opponents the entire time with laser-intensity that could be read as a prison yard 'I will shank you in the shower' glare of death.  When it was their time to speak, both of my opponents dropped out of the race. I won uncontested. Spelling bees (won 'em), tennis tournaments (won every single won), wrestling (won district both times I entered), debate (won best speaker at every tournament). And I was not happy. When I won it wasn't enough. When I didn't win I would implode or lash out. I realized that if I didn't break myself out of this habit I would end up psychopath. For the most part I don't seethe, plot revenge, or implode these days. I meditate, laugh it off, try to learn from the experience. But every once and a while, the little boy comes out and wants to chop off a head or two or just say 'fuck it' and stomp away. And here I was thinking I had 'evolved.'

Oh well....minor observations about literally being a sore loser today (I ache all over). And back to the gym to train my body and mind to grow. 

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