CATS!
I just saw CATS. I've been through the war, only walked out once to compose myself. I felt low-level nausea, discomfort, early on-set ‘no Idris!’ Eventually this led to giggles, tears, more nausea, uncanny valley horror, gas, and ennui. The full range of seasickness symptoms.
CATS!!
CATS is not the worst movie I've ever seen. It's not even close to the worst. But it is the most baffling. You have a hit Broadway play, celebrity casting, and there are actually good songs to be sung. It's about freaking cats! Cat owners are everywhere. And it's sexual. Yes, the original Broadway show is much ridiculed and maligned, but it also started the furrier movement because of the sexy dancers purring and rubbing on people. Deep down inside, you know that CATS is about that creepy sexy energy that is rarely...um, scratched. And yet...
- from the moment the picture begins, there was this deep unsettling dread. My stomach started rumbling and I squirmed in my chair. Halfway through the movie is when the giggling started, pockets of conversation popping up, people audibly sighed. Phones were checked frequently, close-ups triggered laughter and revulsion.
- these are not cats. These are furry digital zombies. They don't act like cats, they don't feel like cats, they don't move like cats.
-When you catch sight of your favorite star covered in gross fur, you want to rescue them, ask them how did this happen; you certainly don't want to see them sing a song. Every moment I was reminded 'that's Rebel Wilson showing her furry digital zombie asshole, that's Idris Elba mean mugging in mangy fur, and Jennifer Hudson...lawd, that's JHud telegraphing 'I'm so pitiful' with every weepy, snot-nosed, over-acted, shaky-voiced note in such hacky broad-acting that you can see it from space. 'Mem-mem-mem-meeeeeeeeemorieeeeesss'
CA-CA-CCCATS!!!!
- the CGI effect of mixing cat zombies with human faces gave me the infamous 'uncanny valley' effect where something is so close to having human details, that the digital rendering makes us feel both disturbed/disgusted and unable to look away.
- the CGI cats movements were also uncanny valley: neither too human or too cat. The spastic slightly unnatural digital rendering creates an unintentional effect of a computer zombie movie.
- the shaky-camera is nausea-inducing. Seriously. The movements are herky-jerky, tilted, and spinning around...for no reason at all. There is nothing being told by these exaggerated camera angles. It's almost as if the editors re-directed the movie and gave everything the subplot of a mysterious cameraman who needs medical attention.
- wet close-ups. Apparently furry digital zombies are on the verge of tears when they're hungry, sad, horny, winking their asshole, angry, and filled with mem-mem-meeeeemories. I've never seen so many wet, snotty faces. The lead offender of the snotty, wet close-ups is Hudson. The overwrought wetness had me wishing for an establishing shot...across the street.
- - overwrought, gasping, breathy vocals. Imagine a 5-year-old asthmatic child on the verge of tears trying to tell you a story...for 2 hrs. That's the singing technique here.
CATS!!!!
- CATS should either be A) an animated cartoon that would have taken it out of the realm of creepy human faces and made it purely artificial or B) stay forever a stage show where the costuming is still primitive enough to seem unreal. When human acrobats rub their fur-covered genitals on aroused Wall Street stockbrokers, we should still feel a bit intrigued... instead of repulsed.
I just saw CATS. I've been through the war, only walked out once to compose myself. I felt low-level nausea, discomfort, early on-set ‘no Idris!’ Eventually this led to giggles, tears, more nausea, uncanny valley horror, gas, and ennui. The full range of seasickness symptoms.
CATS!!
CATS is not the worst movie I've ever seen. It's not even close to the worst. But it is the most baffling. You have a hit Broadway play, celebrity casting, and there are actually good songs to be sung. It's about freaking cats! Cat owners are everywhere. And it's sexual. Yes, the original Broadway show is much ridiculed and maligned, but it also started the furrier movement because of the sexy dancers purring and rubbing on people. Deep down inside, you know that CATS is about that creepy sexy energy that is rarely...um, scratched. And yet...
- from the moment the picture begins, there was this deep unsettling dread. My stomach started rumbling and I squirmed in my chair. Halfway through the movie is when the giggling started, pockets of conversation popping up, people audibly sighed. Phones were checked frequently, close-ups triggered laughter and revulsion.
- these are not cats. These are furry digital zombies. They don't act like cats, they don't feel like cats, they don't move like cats.
-When you catch sight of your favorite star covered in gross fur, you want to rescue them, ask them how did this happen; you certainly don't want to see them sing a song. Every moment I was reminded 'that's Rebel Wilson showing her furry digital zombie asshole, that's Idris Elba mean mugging in mangy fur, and Jennifer Hudson...lawd, that's JHud telegraphing 'I'm so pitiful' with every weepy, snot-nosed, over-acted, shaky-voiced note in such hacky broad-acting that you can see it from space. 'Mem-mem-mem-meeeeeeeeemorieeeeesss'
CA-CA-CCCATS!!!!
- the CGI effect of mixing cat zombies with human faces gave me the infamous 'uncanny valley' effect where something is so close to having human details, that the digital rendering makes us feel both disturbed/disgusted and unable to look away.
- the CGI cats movements were also uncanny valley: neither too human or too cat. The spastic slightly unnatural digital rendering creates an unintentional effect of a computer zombie movie.
- the shaky-camera is nausea-inducing. Seriously. The movements are herky-jerky, tilted, and spinning around...for no reason at all. There is nothing being told by these exaggerated camera angles. It's almost as if the editors re-directed the movie and gave everything the subplot of a mysterious cameraman who needs medical attention.
- wet close-ups. Apparently furry digital zombies are on the verge of tears when they're hungry, sad, horny, winking their asshole, angry, and filled with mem-mem-meeeeemories. I've never seen so many wet, snotty faces. The lead offender of the snotty, wet close-ups is Hudson. The overwrought wetness had me wishing for an establishing shot...across the street.
- - overwrought, gasping, breathy vocals. Imagine a 5-year-old asthmatic child on the verge of tears trying to tell you a story...for 2 hrs. That's the singing technique here.
CATS!!!!
- CATS should either be A) an animated cartoon that would have taken it out of the realm of creepy human faces and made it purely artificial or B) stay forever a stage show where the costuming is still primitive enough to seem unreal. When human acrobats rub their fur-covered genitals on aroused Wall Street stockbrokers, we should still feel a bit intrigued... instead of repulsed.
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