Friday, April 29, 2011

Goodness

A friend called today to ask me what's wrong. I had been giving one-word replies to text messages. Apparently my tight-lipped hostility comes through txt msg loud and clear. I wasn't feeling animosity toward him but was retreating into a funk. The funk was self-inflicted and mostly in thoughts. My gripes against the world were between my ears. I was polite enough not to voice them. The rejections, the silence in request of response, the seeming betrayal of what was promised, what I deserved.

My complaint list revives itself in mid-meditation or afterward. The past week I found myself with a rash-like outbreak of mental affliction. There was no logical reason for it. Perhaps it was the loneliness or being tired. I still acted in ways to help others. But there was a tightness in my help. A reservoir of resistance. What am I holding back?

The past week I've sent out job posting, grant opps, finished calling a phone list for a not-for-profit, connected LHI people together, planned appointments, and pretty much helped take of my parents needs. I shopped for them, drove to appointments, fed them, took the trash out, cleaned up, and gave and gave and gave. On the surface I was a giving machine of physical objects and love and work. On Thursday I sent away a designer jacket to be auctioned for charity. I end the week tired and feeling 'off.' I need to improve my intentions and focus on the goals. I'm doing 'the good' anyway. I might as well get the maximum benefit.

I'm re-dedicating myself. To the essence of indivisibility and the higher goals. And every day I need to renounce myself of expecting 'big name' and big thing.

Goodness is so easy to do in default. It takes more effort to move with goodness in my heart.

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