List of Fears

I'm not scared of cops...that much. I'm aware that they can kill me with impunity but I grew up in the 1980s in the middle of a drug war so my brain is hardwired to fear death by street criminals or stray bullets more than cops. I know that the arrests for random acts of violence rarely happen and you can't arrest a stray bullet for murder. The words 'innocent bystander' are usually connected with 'tragic' in the news reports. I was raised to be good and stay clear of bad folks so if I had a violent and untimely demise, I would assuredly be innocent. Right after that on my fear list was getting kidnapped b/c it was the 1980s and we were all told that strangers were going to kidnap us, do bad things to us, and throw us in a ditch. Next on my list of fears was car accidents, and then it was plague-like diseases so AIDS, cancer, rare strains freakish strands of hepatitis that wipe out an entire family eating at a restaurant. If I were growing up now, covid would be on that list.

So my personal order of fears were 1) random acts of violence 2) kidnapping and/or targeted violence 3) car accidents 4) disease. After that, came cops...maybe. They were definitely in the top 10 but I spent so much energy on just the top 4 that things further down on the list (animals like poisonous snakes and sharks) were fears I reserved when I wanted to 'switch things up' and have anxiety about something else. I would ask my friends for their top ten b/c I was a weird child. My white and black friends had radically different lists. I found that white friends didn't fear stray bullets and certainly didn't fear the cops. Cops wouldn't even make their top 20 list. Cops? No, they help. White kids were mostly scared of kidnapping and maybe disease. White male straight friends weren't even scared of kidnapping or disease. Their entire list of fears consisted of freak accidents, snakes, and sharks. When you tried to explain that more people died from vending machine accidents than died from sharks, they would laugh. But I wonder if there was a secret lists they had in their minds. A list they dare not speak in mixed company.

In college, there was only one time panic spread through the dorm. We were told that someone suspicious was walking around, possibly casing out the place. People locked themselves in their rooms. And for a split second, I did too. Then I thought...hmmm...let me go see this thing people are panicking about, My suspicions were confirmed: it was a black kid. A prospective student wandered in. He was a nerdy skinny kid with glasses. A parody of Urkel. Someone saw this kid and ran to a person and said 'hide' and then that fear spread through the dorm. At a certain point, maybe the race got dropped from the description (did it only get dropped with me?) The police and campus security was coming. I ushered the Black teen out of a side exit and told him were to go to avoid the encircling forces. An odd look came over his face. Maybe he was offended and embarrassed or enraged. Maybe I was all of those things for him too. He thanked me and quickly walked away. In that moment it felt like we were immediately joined in a conspiracy. A mundane moment was charged with a familiar instinctive urge to protect this random black person from harm via cops and security. It's one of those underground railroad moments when you two black people conspire...to live. 

Meanwhile in the other world, the white students were relieved when campus security came. The officers found nothing. I did not tell them the student they were looking for was black and harmless. I told them nothing. I said I didn't see anything. When we got to the cafeteria I let my white friends know 'that was a harmless Black prospective student who just wanted to ask a few questions.' Oh...there was a pause. No one knew what to say next, so the conversation just moved along. We continued eating. I realized that this was actually something I feared that was on my top 10 list: white people's fear. It would surely kill me quicker than snakes or even cancer. Their fear is all-pervasive and can snatch up a Black life in a moment of panic. No one bears any responsibility for the panic. It lurks underneath pleasantries and dinner. I am surrounded by it. 

RNC is for C Students (and you should be worried)

 The average person is a C student. Remember that. You don't get to be a C student because you study hard, pursue truth, seek out your passion. C students move when they are shoved, read when are forced to do it, vote when they are afraid. If you are an A+ student who wants to say 'no, no, Aurin...you are looking down on ppl' STFU. You are an elitist. It's fine to be that, but recognize your place in the world and that the average person is a C student. And that should worry you. 

In the last 5 presidential campaigns I have been asked/stalked/harrangued/sought out to volunteer twice: 2008 and 2012. The other 3 times the Dem candidate said 'don't worry about it. We got it in the bag'...and then lost. The DNC outreach to the POC community? Minimal. The outreach to the youth? Nonexistent. And in 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, 2016, 2020 the Republicans had batshit crazy conventions in an alt reality where they just made up stuff...and they won 60% of the time. White Centrist Dems are the Chris Webber of politics. They are anti-clutch. In each case the Democratic candidate was smarter, more well-read, and actually existing in a world of reality. In each case the Dem candidate had platform and policies which would have benefited the average person and they lost to outright crooks. This is not an accident of history. History doesn't 'accident itself' 60% of the time. 

Gore, Kerry, Clinton all faced cartoonishly bad liars and criminals and expected the American ppl to understand the depths of the lies. They did not. The American ppl understand what you tell them and what is right in front of them. Even now as we race toward 200,000 dead in 6 months, the virus has slowed a millimeter in some swing states and white voters are already starting to flock back to Trump. The dead bodies aren't even cold and American white ppl have such a short-term memory that they will step over the corpses to give a white guy a second, third, 5000th chance to kill, steal, lie, and corrupt all standards. Americans do not understand history, truth, sociology, health care, economics, or biological genocide. They understand shiny, big, fat, simple balloon words.  They understand word clouds and foggy optimism. They understand chicken soup for the soul, a vague Jesus who allows them to love sporadically and kill generously, and loudness/repetition equals truth. Loudness/repetition equals truth. Loudness/repetition equals truth. 

The big fat dumb monstrosity the RNC puts on every year isn't meant for Emmy voters. It is meant to be loud and repetitive. Joe Biden needs to be loud and repetitive. It doesn't even matter that much what he is talking about, although it would do wonders for him if he actually came out in favor of Medicare for All, UBI, ban assault weapons. It would do wonders for motivating progressives if he was loud and repetitive about 3 bumpersticker ideas. Notice, I did not say policy. You are loud and repetitive about IDEAS! Policy chokes thought and gets you buried in fact-checkers and eggheads. Ideas allows the researchers to work for you, to imagine, to dream how something could work, rather than telling you all the reasons why your policy may not work. 

I can't believe Dems are still this bad at politics. Politics is the art of presenting big shiny fat simple ideas. Say it loudly and repeat it again and again until you get sick of hearing it. Repeat it until it becomes a mantra. Be loud, be garish, if you get caught in a Dean scream moment you don't apologize. You double down on that scream. You make tik-tok videos in which you challenge people to scream you big, fat, shiny slogans. Politics is grotesque, short, and brutish...just like life. 

The winners in life are almost never the book smart, savvy, well-read, perspicacious A+ students. The winners are the B students who are just smart enough to pretend like they're on the honor roll but shrewd enough to get the C- students to kick the crap out of the A+ students. The B students realizes that there are a lot more C students in life and the smart pupils have their heads so far up their own elitism that they look down on the average person. 

The B- student is the middle child...cunning, shrewd. They have an inferiority complex because they're overlooked and under appreciated. And they want revenge. While Trump is certainly dumb, he is smart enough to fill his staff with B-students. They're hungry, they have nothing to lose, and they are motivated to destroy the Obama honor roll class. And they know who their audience is and how to reach them. The loud/repetitive lies are not for you. They are for the swing state voters who want life to go back to normal, even if their normal wasn't that great. The C students can't envision incrementally better change according to researched data. If you are loud and repetitive the average person can be conned into fake dreams while accepting their tragic reality. 

Conversations with Aunt Barbara

Aunt Barbara Cross called me today. Her voice always soothes me. Now that she's approaching the big 8-0, she has softened and her voice moves a slightly slower pace. Nevertheless, it's still enjoyable to hear from her. She wanted to tell me about my family. So I pulled up my google document that has become my memory reservoir and let her talk....

-your grandmother (Mema aka Lynn Maddox) was a pinup girl for the war. She was in NYC. It wasn’t bathsuit pinups. It was uplifting poster of women in army uniform with a little cap that they made back then. Your grandmother was so pretty. And that’s how she met Stanley’s dad. And your dad has a half-brother. (this part I do know because I drove with my Dad to meet his half-brother 15 years ago).

Squire’s from Barbados are lawyers and business people. 

Mother Squire’s dad came from Ireland...County Cork. It’s the county right next to where my daughter’s husband’s ppl come from. He came cross country by himself and shoe’ed horses. And when he got to Florida he met Mother Squire’s mom. I was maybe 6 then. He was a very tall man and very slender, had a beard. Mother Squire’s sister was Aunt Sade. But her last name was Meriwether. He was at her home and they had this big house with a wraparound porch. He was standing up there with his walking cane and he looked so distinguished. His name was O’Toole and when he got to America they were rough on Irish and he went to the black community and changed his name to Taylor. 

And then Mother Squire was from Barbados and all the Squire’s back there are doctors and lawyers. 

Prophecy pt....

I can see things. And your name isn’t an accident. It’s going to be known by everyone. 

 

Biden's Acceptance Speech (In My Dreams)

 The person who frames and drives the argument wins 9 times out of 10. Doesn't even matter how stupid that person is or how ridiculous their argument is to analysis. That's what we were taught in high school debate. 

So yeah, even if Biden is 10% up, I'm worried. The Dems are not controlling the narrative or framing any issue. The GOP has a famewhore who controls 99% of all the media w/ their outlandish, appalling, boorish, corrupt, homicidal behavior. On the other side we have...what? Decency. Even the 'decency angle' is a narrative that highlights the other side by comparison. 

Biden, I'm gonna need you to give the speech of your motherf***ing life. The speech your motherf***ing life is not your most eloquent speech. Fire your speechwriters. The last time Biden said something memorable was when you were speaking out against school busing...40 years ago. Wrong side of history but at least I can remember it. The last time you did something memorable was 1) cursing on a hot mic 'that's a big fucking deal' about Obamacare 2) treating Anita Hill like shit. I'm just being honest. I'm going to vote for you anyway but that's what I remember about your entire career. No bueno. 

I need you to give a speech as passionate simple-minded as a child. In 2016 Clinton gave...a very nice speech. All y'all that said it was the best thing ever were lying. I knew you were lying at the time b/c I was watching the speech and...I couldn't remember a thing she said. Clinton spoke very well, eloquent, calm. I don't remember anything besides her white suit...and a few barbs but they were about her opponent. I need Biden to be sharp, short, concise. Terse. H. Ross Perot folksy. "Here's the deal folks...' should be your opening and you should just launch into it: 1 out of every 1,000 of you is going to be dead by the end of the year. 30 million are going to be evicted. America is a third-world shit hole. Period. He did that. They did that with the permission of the Senate. They killed your grandmother. They stole your check and gave it to trillionaires. They're shitting down your throat and calling it a throat lozenge. I'm gonna stop this motherfucking virus. I'm going to hunt these crooks who killed your grandmother. I want their heads on a stick. I want them in prison for life. They are worse than Osama Bin Laden...yeah I said that shit. Fight me. They are more deadly than the worst terrorist we hunted down to the end of the earth. They are KKK-spouting, racist biological terrorists who sent your kids back into a burning building. Guess what, I'm not playing around. 

They used to call me Sleepy Joe but now they call me Batman' and raise up a motherfucking bat and have the word JUSTICE on it. Point that Louisville slugger at the camera and say "I'm coming for your heads you shit-fuckers. I'm gonna tear your dick into beef jerky and feed it to my pitbulls. I'm going take this country out of the shit hole these lying scumbags put it in...and then I'm coming for each one of them. I'm not going to stop until I hunt every one of them down. And then I'm coming after Putin b/c he's coming after us. I'm coming straight for our enemies who are fucking with your freedom. Putin...fuck you. Anything you hear about me in the 70 days is suspect. Media, if you cover anything leaked like you did in 2016 I'm going to introduce you to my bat.

Then I want everyone in the DNC to walk out with bats with different slogans written on them...Beat the Virus....fuck racism....eat a dick, QANON...KKK Killers...Nazi hunters...

And then Biden says 'this is my team. This is my squad. You see these slogans...fuck Nazis...yeah. If you have any defense against this, then I'm swinging at your head. If you're trying to defend racism, QANON, or the death of 300,000 Americans then I'm swinging at you. This is life and death and there's no gray area any more. These  people are lying, stealing and literally killing you. There's no place for that on my squad. Suit up, America. It's time we win back our country and then hunt these people down. If we don't hunt them down, they're going to come back and kill you and steal from you. This is justice. This is the only way we save this democracy. Don't give up, don't surrender, keep fighting, we're going to win. 

And then I want fireworks. Go online and buy a bat bitch! I ain't playing around with these heauxs. And yes, I spelled it like a drag queen b/c if you're not down with drag, you probably got little dick energy. And we're swinging bats up here! 

All right, this may be my dream speech that will never happen. But Biden's sales pitch should have this feel to it. No more eloquence. 

A Tale of Two 2020's

 I am between extremes, like the opening of  "A Tale of Two Cities." It is both the busiest of times with work, and the most boring of times without theatre, gym, dining out, meeting ppl. I'm both doing well personally and wrecked by what I see around me. I did a breakdown of my time and b/c my writers' room is meeting only 4 hrs a day. I don't travel at all. I don't shop for groceries (almost all delivery), no eating out, no theatre, no traveling to Manhattan. My world is now the few blocks around my apartment and the park. I have an extra 50 hours every week! It's like having an extra two days. The disadvantage is that because work happens through zoom there is a sense that our labor has becomes a numinous thing that floats throughout the day. I have time and also I don't because it is spread everywhere. My time is both more plentiful and more fleeting/scattered/chopped. 

I expected this administration to destroy the arts, our gov, our democracy, the black community, POC, our national dignity, trade, and our reputation around the world. I did not think they would destroy the seasons, the outdoors, and time itself. When we look back on this time.

I hope we remember the disorienting, deadly, and existential threat that constant lies create for human existence. Lies don't just cause war, death, disease, famine. They unravel our very sense of time and self.

90-Day Prez

Does he know that the overwhelming % of ppl who vote by mail are older and white, aka his base? 

-Conversely, the ppl most likely to vote in person are POC and the young.

-does he know that old white ppl are also most vulnerable to covid?

- does he know Herman Cain died of covid?'

- does he know that a campaign slogan of 'promises kept' will sound so tone deaf with 300,000 dead Americans, mass evictions, Great Depression level unemployment, no repeal of Obamacare, and NO WALL (and Mexico didn't pay for it). 

-if you were the Dem party you could have not sabotaged Trump's re-election more than his own actions. He's ushering in a permanent plague that is weakening the economy, ravaging the south, flipping his voters, killing his supporters, motivating his enemies. And now due to his obstinate refusal to listen to facts, he can't hold rallies which was his juice. He can't have a convention. About 70% of the country wants a national mask mandate and to shut down tightly so that we can start over. And every day we put on a mask we are viscerally reminded that this has been the WORST YEAR EVER for most people...if they're still alive. 

I want Biden to do more, but I also don't want him to gaffe his way into getting low-information voters to equate his tone-deaf malapropism to actual mass biological genocide happening right now thanks to our government. Maybe we are such a dimwitted nation that we need bright, bold lines to differentiate between an old grumpy man and someone who is the embodiment of a 'fiery pedo death comet filled with molten diarrhea' hurtling toward every American institution and vaporizing us in an apocalyptic shit cloud of horror. I know it's not as catchy as MAGA, but do you think if we just kept reminding Evangelicals that 'Jesus is going to give you big ol' frown if you keep voting for the pedo raping death monster' that they'll get it? I know Schumer and Pelosi might bristle at such strong language, but I'm ok with bristling their kente cloth centrism if the msg penetrates the layers of congealed fat sitting encasing the brains of 'working class voters.'  We need bunker-busting msging to hit and tunnel under the collected layers of generational racism, privilege, and fragility, and explode into the basement of their basic humanity.

Goodbye to Paul Lucas: a friend and mentor

 Paul Lucas passed away this week. We knew each other for over 15 years. We would see each other at plays, talk in the lobby, occasionally have coffee. The first time I met him was at the MFA reading of my play BLEED (dark comedy about a guy who bleeds to death.) The graduation reading/showcase was open to students, families, and industry. 6 ppl came to mine. Total. There were more people on stage than in the audience. Paul brought 3 of the 6 ppl. I had never met him. I wondered 'who is this guy in a bow tie and how can I thank him?' After the reading we went out for drinks and he introduced me to his friends...who were also producers in the industry. He had brought more people and more industry to my reading than the school...and I did not know him. And now he's paying for my drinks, introducing me to other people, encouraging me. I was blown away. 

Later on, Paul asked me if I wanted to pitch a tv show to IFC. WHAT?!? I prepared a treatment, practiced, and shook off the nerves. I still thought 'WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Is this a con? Is he going to ask me for money?' But no....he said he liked my voice and the way I thought. He just wanted to support me. So we pitched at show at IFC. I tried to return the favor by reading Paul's plays, attending readings, showing up for him. But it was more than that...he was the first person I met right out of school who said 'hey, don't give up. I don't know you but I want to support you.' He liked my weird play about a dimwitted loser bleeding to death over the course of a day. He said it reminded him of life...that it was existential and absurd. And many of our future interactions had that same absurdist bent to it, as if saying 'this world is so strange and violent, and cruel and absurd. Let's just drink some coffee...or pitch a show...or lament at the state of things. Let's just...be. For a moment. Breathe and be. The life is so short. Let's just press pause...do you like my bowtie? Have you seen any new musicals?

The last time I saw Paul was at the hub of NY theatre: the Signature Theatre lobby. I was waiting for a friend. Paul was waiting for someone else. Our final interaction was like all the previous ones: funny, weird, light, conversational, fraught with the feeling that he wanted to say...but couldn't. So we just shared that moment. We planned on meeting again when this was all over. I just didn't know what he meant by 'this.' Now I do. Goodbye, Paul. I'll meet you in the lobby when this is all over with. We can talk and have coffee and talk about your bowtie. It's all so strange and sad. That's all I have right now. Goodbye my friend. See you soon.