Memory is Present Awareness

 "Recollection is awareness and not necessarily memory." - Vimalakirti 

Thinking about this quote today. Recollecting is an active present moment thing. That's why memories shift over time b/c they are not passive leftovers we're just pulling out of the fridge to reheat. Our emotions to these memories are also in flux. That's why an embarrassing thing from childhood can some times be a source of amusement, charm or hilarity years later. A child is mortified at splitting their pants in front of the class and the same child becomes an adult laughing with their friends or realizing that was the day they met their future wife, and therefore is so grateful for that embarrassing moment. The events, the emotions, our collection of senses that we gather into a 'memory' are all actively shifting. 

The so-called bad recollections that turned out to be goldmines, the good memories that turned out to be grenades waiting to explode in my face, the mundane details that become weighted with poetry and meaning. In the last months of my dad's life, I can recall so many tiny things that now have so much meaning. They were mundane things, meals, clothes, looks, gestures, noises. And the silences. The silences that felt like pauses but actually spoke volumes. And now they have so much weighted importance. A simple smile can have more meaning than Shakespeare. Because the smile changes every time we recall it.