History of Debt: Pt. 2

 History of Debt

 NU gave 15k/yr in scholarship but covered the rest w/ loans they provided. I ended up with about 60k in debt. Not great, but not awful. 

-Grad school: New School gave me 20k in scholarship and expected me to cover the housing. I took a loan for housing the first year, and then became an RA in my 2nd and 3rd yr so housing was free. Ended up with 10-15k in grad school debt, mostly from that first year. Added to undergrad debt and it's like 70k. Not great, but not awful. 

Post Grad: deferred and paid off the bare minimum for several yrs. One day I wake up and my debt is now 85k. Start an installment plan so I don't ruin my credit, but debt creeps up to 90k. I have been paying off my loans and trying to stay afloat and my debt increased. Ehhh...this is pretty bad.

Other creditors call for credit cards, healthcare debt. At one point I was living in Albuquerque working on a theatre project and my only steady chatmate was a nasty debt collector who would yell at me over and over again that I was a loser. He would scream that I needed to get a higher paying job and that my education was useless. The calls were so frequent that it became a bizarre frenemy relationship. I started asking him about his life, he opened up: he didn't think he would have a job like this...calling people up and yelling at them. He softened, apologized for all the abuse. Then he negotiated my debt down by a lot. I paid it off. 

Despite monthly payments, college debt continues going up, now up to 100k. Most of my payments go directly to the interest and never touch the principle amount. I'm paying to lose money. "Honestly, my goal in life is to just pay off my debts before I die." I tell an angry creditor. They go silent. Yeah, it's pretty dark and awful.

I'm paying and treading water. Fortunately, Juilliard is free for playwrights and they have stipends and awards. I created, wrote, produced, and sold a series to IHS: Generation Debt. The series kept me afloat while I was at school. And then things get so bad that I just stopped caring about debt. The numbers became so absurd to me that I wouldn't even look at my account. Money would get automatically withdrawn from my bank every month and my debt would go up. I was living in debt nihilism, giggling like the Joker when I thought about how much money I owed ppl. It was an impossible mountain for a low-earning theatre artist/temp worker. It's so awful that it's funny. Hysterical. 

TV work: start earning money but I'm still psychologically living in debt nihilism. It never even occurs to me that I should pay off the debt with tv money. No, just continue the minimum payments while the debt increases. Let it burn. We're all gonna die anyway. Ha ha...hehe...let it burn all burn down. I'm never paying this debt off. My debt plan is global warming and apocalyptic fires. Let natural disasters take care of everything. 

Paying Others Off: in a feat of karmic management, I am tasked with paying off other people's medical bills. Low-level, consistent karmic work. I agree. It's all just numbers. Surrender. Let go. Serene nihilism. 

Apt Hunting: yrs pass and I'm looking for an apt in Brooklyn. The realtor apologizes to me and says he has to run a credit check. Oh lordt!! Here we go. My internal nihilistic Joker returns...tehehe...go ahead. See the wreckage. Laugh at my carnage. He runs my score and his eyes widen in shock: I have good credit. WHAT?!?!? I'm shocked. I haven't even bothered checking my credit or debt for so long b/c I have ceased to care. Was it the consistent payments? Was it the karmic management of giving to others? Realtor says my credit is so good I could buy a boat. And yet I am still in MASSIVE debt. The matrix is laughing with me. 

Pandemic: world shuts down. I'm sitting in Miami thinking about my life and I remember 'wait I  have a mountain of debt? How come I haven't paid it off yet?' Well I just gave up. I internally shut down and ceased thinking about it. But I'm working on 2 tv shows. Do I dare...look at the mountain? I go to my account and yikes. It's ugly. And yet, I have multiple jobs and the world is shut down so my expenses have plummeted. So then I just...pay it off. All of it. In about 2 yrs. I'm just done with nihilism. And magically it's gone. The mountain evaporates into dust and 20 yrs of anxiety/panic/nihilism vanish. What am I gonna do with all this not-worry and not-fear? What am I gonna do with all this non-debt terror? Start up a charity foundation. And laugh.