Male Humility

At a certain age it becomes more important to 'feel right' than to 'be right.' The learning process stops and then it's about rhetorical tactics and tricks rather than expanding the mind. Although it's human nature, I have found this trait more pernicious in men. The male ego values being right more than learning because that intellectual growth requires flexibility and humility, two traits that are seen as more feminine. Softness, flowing like water, give and take, these are elements defined as passive. Learning is passive. "Education is pussy, bitch, fag, weak, lame." The class clown, the attention-seeking extroverted male teen is seeking to smash this softness and flexibility with braggart energy, distraction and -ultimately- challenging the authority. The male student who learns is a passive, a Chad, a sexual deviant for allowing themselves to be dominated. They are teased and mocked for listening instead of stealing attention. The big man on campus demands attention because it's about 'power in the now.' The only form of learning valued is that which will allow them to dominate and control space even more. 

I run three artists' groups. For the past several years, I have dedicated my time to helping other artists out in their various quests. For free. The process is about learning the dharma for myself and helping other people is the best way to increase the learning curve in my mind. I have found that there is a low percentage of success in my writers' groups. Maybe 10% go on to do something they wanted.  Most participants come in with a head of steam and fade away after a few months. But among the rare wins,  almost all of the cases involve women. 

Most of the adults willing to learn and humble themselves into growth are women. l meet tons of male artists who want to be rich, famous, successful, and fully booked. But they run up against an invisible wall. After a few weeks, a struggle begins to set in. It's an odd resistance because this isn't high school. No one is requiring them to learn and, yet, there is a great struggle within them. They struggle with changing their habits and, even deeper than that, they struggle with the belief that their habits are bad. Granted their habits are the very thing that have gotten them into the 'shit position.' Their habits and logic are the reason why they reach out for help. And yet, their habits are the same thing which prevent them from fully accepting help.  In particular, their male habits are set in how they define themselves as men: righteous, right, clever, strong, brave, unyielding, inflexible. They dwell in the narcissistic delusion of being the hero at the center of it all, even while drowning as boats pass them by. 

There is one participant who calls me 'kid.' He's older than me, less successful, less happy, stuck in a pattern of destructive negative habits. We have engaged in a relationship that is mostly one-sided for his benefit. He has requested help and I offer constructive workshop groups. These conversations must be undercut by establishing some dominance. So I'm a kid -a middle aged child apparently- and thus he is a full-grown man who is pretty much my same age. As the streets would say 'he's trying to son me.' I am aware of this 'need to dominate' and I let him have it. If calling me kid makes him feel good, then fine. But I don't think it's helpful for his actual learning process, because if you see me as a 'kid' there is some part of you which resists listening and learning. In Buddhism the student refer to their Lama with honorifics. A wise student wants to learn from their teacher. But a wise student also knows that the teacher has no nature from their own side. Whatever learning that happens comes from the seeds in their mind. Therefore it is CRITICALLY important to respect the teacher because you are respecting the wisdom you seek to gain. Respecting the teacher is respecting the process of growth and thus, you label the teacher with high rewards and accolades so that the knowledge grows within the mind. If you label someone helping you learn or grow as 'a kid' there is some dismissiveness in that. The learning is reduced, the knowledge is diminished. He drifts from the group, his progress stalls, he chases windmills of quick fixes. He is, of course, the smartest guy. A man among boys. Trying to undo this pattern of thinking is daunting. I'm sure the 'kid' thing is not malicious. In some ways it's a form of endearment. And yet, this behavior fits the pattern of so many men in these artists groups that represent the vast majority of failed cases. They can't learn. Their male ego is fixed in the cement of 'feeling right' and thus they can't get out of their own way. 

Gossip is another equalizing factor. If we can all bitch about the same thing then we are all equal. While this is true on the surface, sustained gossip just gets everyone to point the finger at the same villains. Small talk is useful way of warming up a conversation. How was your day...can you believe this weather...did you watch that episode...these are all natural ways of opening a dialogue. This is verbal stretching. The goal of stretching is to be loose enough to run the marathon and get into learning, get into the daily work, securing things. If you spend all your time stretching on the sidelines with gossip than you never run the race. You have worn the jacket, sweats, put on the headband, gotten the marathon number, the starter pistol is fired and you spend the next several hours chatting with the crowd. At the end of the day, the tent and starting line are packed up, the crowd disappears, and the gossiper is still stretching and talking about what a great race they ran. 

I was with a dharma person when I engaged in willful gossip. We were trying to rent a van. The clerk could not find our reservation. I noticed that the office radio was on to the sports channel. I engaged in light conversation about Tom Brady. The clerk perked up. A connection was made. He looked in his computer again and -will you look at that- he found our reservation. Magic it seems. When we left the office, my dharma brother asked why engaged in talking about sports. I told him 'because it was useful for getting the reservation.' Plus I'm not above an occasional indulgence. I'm not a strict adherent. Even I slip occasionally but in this case my small talk was aimed at forming a connection with this person who was not helping us. And all it took was a minute of conversation about something I actually enjoy -sports- to turn the situation around. 

The biggest thing is humility. I struggle with it. Some parts of me just wants to be right, just wants to be king, please no more notes or some corrections or yoga teacher repositions. Just say I'm wonderful and perfect and smart and flawless. But I also know that I won't grow with this attitude. Humility is the only thing which breaks the fever of delusion.