I went to my first Buddhist teaching in fall of 2005. Rebecca invited me and the subject matter was on the life of Je Tsongkapa. I had never heard of this person but monk Geshe Michael Roach was writing a giant beautiful book about the famed Tibetan lineage founder and decided to teach a class. And there were snacks...so yay! While listening to the explanation of either the 3 Jewels or the greater way, I was sitting next to a woman who I will call "Karen." Karen was rolling her eyes and sighing. At the break, Karen struck up a conversation with me about why I was here? I was just checking it out. Karen said she had been checking out these events for 10 yrs but was still deciding what she should do...and then she looked at me in a weird way. You know when you get spooked sometimes and you can't explain it? Well that's what happened. I immediately felt a deep chill and something inside me said 'lady, you've been checking this out for 10 yrs?!? You're going to die.' I could feel the presence of death...which is unusual for someone in their mid 20s who doesn't think about mortality or fate or spirituality.
A month later I went home for the holidays. My dad took me to a pizza shop. He asked me what I was going to do with my life? I was thinking of an answer and I looked down at his hands and I noticed...his fingertips were black. Charcoal black. Lack of circulation...bad insulin...who can say? But I had never seen that before. Black fingertips were tapping the table. And I felt that deep chill again. Death is here. At the pizza parlor. I blurted out 'I think I'm going to become a buddhist.' I had never said that before and it was meant half-jokingly b/c my dad was a staunch atheist. I wanted to get a rise out of him. Instead he laughed. 'Good idea.' He told me to go to his office. Our food came.
Now that I had said something aloud...how would you even go about becoming a Buddhist? Well from the Je Tsongkapa class, I remember the advice that a student should check out all other possible religions and use these there parameters to judge: a) authentic sources b) strong ultimate goals c) realistic and applicable steps to achieve the goals d) and examples of ppl who have achieved the goals, preferably in your era. Lord Buddha stories are nice but that's 2500 years ago. Is anyone actually achieving 'the thing' now? I went to my Dad's office where he kept most of his business papers and files and there were all these books about the major religions. This is the office of an atheist?!? Well, there you go. So during the holidays I committed to speed reading through every religion and then the main denominations of Christianity.
Financial News Newspaper called to offer me a reporter job!! Full time. Before the holidays I went in for an interview and didn't take it seriously so I was real loose, cracking jokes, making observations. I didn't know how to respond to the job offer. 'Wow this is great...can I have some time to think about it?' The editor was taken aback but agreed. I stayed in Miami past the New Year, reading philosophy books in my dad's office and the Financial News called again to check in with me. I needed the money, but also something else was pulling me to stay. I delayed an answer. Dad's fingers were still black and there were these questions. Another week and the same thing...black fingers, rent is due, all these questions.
Finally I had to go back to NYC to temp so I could pay my rent. I was working a graveyard shift as a law firm temp. Double overtime pay plus quiet time to read: YES!! I got off work at around 9AM. I wept while finishing the last page of Thorton Wilder's "The Bridge of San Luis Rey" on an empty morning train heading against the flow of rush hour traffic. When I got back to Brooklyn one of Dad's students called to express his condolences? Condolences over what? I didn't know what she was talking about. I called home and discovered that he had a stroke...his first in a series of devastating strokes.
Financial News called to hint that they had to move on to another candidate. Fine. Who cares!?? Bye! I paid my rent for the next month and hopped on a plane to Miami a few days alter. This was the early part of 2006. Dad couldn't breathe and had trouble walking a few steps. There was that chill again. I didn't know what to do so I remembered one meditation from the Je Tsongkapa class: an analytical meditation to figure out a problem where you trace all your steps back to when something started. I sat on my bed, weeping, and trying to meditate on answering the problem of Dad's lack of breath. My mind was raging but a word popped in about blood. He had a blood condition...what was it? Jumping off the cushion I ran to him and asked 'what's that blood disease you have?' He waved me to his pill bottles so I grabbed all of them and rushed to the computer. I was trying to find the blood disease and finally I came across an online listing of a medication in which he had ALL the side effects. If you have all the side effects of a drug that's a misdiagnosis which means you probably don't have this disease or not in the way originally thought. I dragged Dad to a hospital and told the ER doctor my hypothesis: the medication was poisoning him. Well, you know how much doctors LOVE being told a diagnosis from a civilian! He scoffed. Another doctor came and saw him and I repeated the assertion: it's the medication. Scoff. Finally another attendant couldn't figure out what was wrong with him so they did some tests and decided...'we're going to take you off this medication.'
Dad's condition improved after he stopped taking the medication. My sister -who is an actual doctor- asked me how I deduced it was the medicine. I was about to tell her about Je Tsongkapa and Karen and Buddhism and researching religions and meditations...and I just stopped. Like my Dad, my sister is a devout atheist. Any talk of religion sets her OFF! I just told her that I thought through the problem.
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