Friday, July 6, 2012

I'm still getting f**cked by the movies.

My trip to the movies tonight to see "Savages" was like taking a tour of US pop culture.
The previews... the previews did all the work.

Take the Tour:
It's always a sea of Caucasian at the movies
1. The Watch: The new Ben Stiller movie has three white men and one brown guy RICHARD AYOADE, who is also English. The trailer proved that Ben Still is still funny and he doesn't have to tell anyone to fuck off. Of course, this movie preview was sandwiched in between two really intense movies, so the audience was ready for a laugh, someone could've picked their nose on the screen and we've all would've laughed a hearty laugh. This preview also proved that Vince Vaughn doesn't have to be talented to be cast over and over again. He just has to be a "regular" guy who doesn't keep in shape and, tells you to fuck off... I mean, as long as you're white, you can be that guy and get away with it. He didn't become a better actor over the years, he just got more comfortable being on camera.


Is there hope for brown people on TV?
2. The ads for the new cop show, "Elementary," which has a woman of color Lucy Liu and a Latino, Manny Perez in the cast kinda gave me the idea that perhaps there is hope yet for the brown people on TV, even if the main character is white? Who the fuck knows. Maybe the show will be good or maybe it will suck so bad it'll get cancelled after 4 episodes.

Maybe there is!
3. Denzel Washington is starring in a movie called FLIGHT. He plays a pilot who makes a miraculous landing after the aircraft he is flying malfunctions. He was also drinking the night before, so that gives the hero his underbelly, his complexity. I know why Denzel made this movie, I mean, "I know" as in, "this is my idea of this since I've been an actor for a while," it re-imagines Black men as: HEROS. And I love that. I love it. I want my brother to watch it so that he can see Black men in a different light from our typical nightly newscast where Black men just show up as they're being put in jail.


You can be whomever you want, as long as you can pay for it (and that's fine, I'm not hating)
4. Tyler Perry is straight and not in drag? And, um, Matthew Fox is scary?
In his new movie "Alex Cross," Tyler Perry plays a straight, happily married detective who hunts down a super vicious killer (yah, yah, nothing new there with that plot but I don't think that's the point of this movie), the vicious killer is none other than Matthew Fox. They tried to make Fox look scary in the preview, and some 14-year old will buy it because she will have never seen Party of Five... but I almost didn't recognize Perry... See, Perry is teaching me to see him in a different light: he, too can be straight and a cop. And you will root for him while you watch this movie. The movie is also named after his character so he IS REALLY drilling down the fact that he is the modafucking star of the film and that you will see him and ROOT for him as a straight, male cop! I got respect for that. Re-invent yourself, girl.
PS. the film also stars Edward Norton... He has a nasal, squeaky voice that really annoys me. He is only seriously wowed me in American History X, and I guess he agreed to be in Tyler Perry's reimagining of his public persona, so he gets 2 points, other than that, boooooooooring.

Ben Afflect still can't act
5. My partner thinks he was decent in "The Town," which he also co-wrote? In his new movie, "Argo," he stars as a CIA specialist who comes up with a "genius" plan to save some "Americans" (AKA more white people) trapped in Iran. I think he is also playing a Latino guy, Tony Mendez? Maybe the real guy was Spanish... but if he was in fact from one of the Americas, could they have just hired a Latino guy? Ben: I don't care whether you grow your hair out, you should've had a brown actor play that role. I hope Bryan Cranston saves the movie, go Bryan Cranston! (Breaking Bad's new season is beginning soon!!!!!!!!!!)

The scary white masculine thing still sells (but I agree, Jeremy Renner IS a really good actor)
6. I'm still scared of Jeremy Renner who stars in the Bourne Legacy... ah, I wish they had just left that alone. I liked Matt Damon in it. Anyway, I can't help but be a little intimidated by Renner after watching him in Hurt Locker.

At least some women get their 15 minutes on TV (this includes Glenn Close and not Lena Dunham)
7.  Closer, all white people again, well, at least it stars a woman and has been on for 7 seasons. And apparently there are only six episodes left. HURRY! Get your Kyra Sedgwick on!

HorrorMedy still sells (add Asians and Kung Fu)

8. Eli Roth's new movie The Man with the Iron Fists directed by RZA (co-written by RZA as well) seems promising. Lots of AsianExploitation and shit you'd see in a Tarantino movie... plus Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu (of course), but at least it knows what it is and who their fans are (see below for the Savages run down).

They'll keep feeding us shit as long as we eat shit
9. And, then Ice Age number 47 should be coming to your screens soon.

There were some other previews but I don't remember them. A few minutes later, after some cheesy AMC thing about shutting off my cell phones and the animated cartoons from Ice Age Number 47 telling me to shut my face, the movie began:

SAVAGES
Let me tell you one thing about Savages, it doesn't KNOW what genre it is, and those in the cast who think they know (Benicio del Toro , Salma Hayek, and John Travolta) rock that shit out. The others (Blake Lively, Taylor Kitsch, and Aaron Johnson)  don't know and kinda suck in it. Well, Taylor Kitsch was sorta convincing. Allow me to illustrate the genre confusion: Blake's character gets kidnapped by a Mexican cartel and while she's in captivity, she asks "can someone give me a salad! I get pizza all the time" and she also asks to get high... "you know, the thing we're all getting killed for?" um... you're gonna die, who cares if they feed you shit or caviar (which is sorta another line in the movie)... And, really? You wanna get high? The entire theater laughed out loud when she uttered the salad request, but I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be concerned for her character's well-being.
That failed.
Benicio also made all of his lines funny (his whole characterization was funny)... and Salma played it a bit over the top (as she does) and funny and so did Travolta who all seem to think this was a fucking comedy. Oliver Stone, was this a comedy? A slap in the face? Who the fuck knows.


PS. Also, Blake's character gets passed around between the two guys but at the end, she learns that three people "can't love each other equally."
(Shaking my head. Shaking my head.)
I left the theater with a tummy ache from my Nestle Bunch Crunch (because I just needed more sugar in my life) and with an ache in my heart for the movies... the women parts suck, the women parts mostly go to girls like Blake Lively (who just need to take an acting class and learn to pick better scripts), and I guess, maybe... I really shouldn't have any hope.

That was my fucking night at the movies.
At least the tickets were free.

-Tatiana
(Guest blogging for Aurin while he is away at Silent Camp.)

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