My Toxic Romance

 I keep checking these polls like a wronged wife compulsively checks her husband's phone. I keep looking for the evidence that I will be wronged again come November. I realize I am in a toxic marriage with White America. They are serial cheaters and liars who can't quit their addiction to racism and won't even admit that it's a problem. They are caught with their knees on the neck of men, shooting women in bed, killing children in parks, numerous Karen's caught harassing blk ppl trying to just live. They are caught with statistical proof, actual verified data of their lies. And like Shaggy they go 'it wasn't me.' But I have the videos, I have the data, I have hard numbers! It wasn't me. And now finally after all these years, White America is saying 'okay...it might've been me. That was...maybe me.' It's not a full admittance and it sure as hell isn't an apology. It's a serial liar who realizes that if they continue buying into the full-on denial that it might trigger some sort of lie-based dementia or insanity. And so mostly for the sake of their own sanity they grudgingly say 'okay...maybe that was me. Maybe...just maybe I do have a problem.' But they still won't apologize and I'm not even sure they'll vote against the demented lies they have been telling.

 Even when their lies have resulted in horror and chaos, their addiction is too strong...the pull of privilege is so strong that I fear that they will eventually go into default and choose fascism over democracy, disinformation over facts, tribal cruelty over justice. I am waiting like a wronged wife waits in bed for a husband who is still out on a work night. I comb through my mind for any suspicious clues. I am waiting for 60% of white ppl to slowly trickle back to the side of denial and death and cruelty. Right now we are at about 52%. I keep checking the polls. I know it is futile. You can't stop a cheater from cheating by checking his phone, you can't stop an alcoholic from drinking by throwing out their bottles. The addiction will always find a way unless someone is willing to change. And change is so hard to believe in. Biden will manage their addiction...maybe. He won't heal it, he won't fix it, but he might be able to make them manageable. And I'll call that win...which is a sad compromise.

I am in a toxic marriage with White America. We have home, career, and something built together that is impressive and rotting from the foundation. I could divorce myself, flee to London or Paris. Other people have done it. But my pride won't let me admit that I've poured this much energy and time into a rotting relationship. And my suspicion won't let me sleep. So I keep checking the polls..waiting for my worst fears to be reconfirmed. There is a flicker of hope but it is blanketed on all sides by the darkness of cynicism and a track record.