I don't know your friend and I'm sure they are quite lovely, but what do they want? Can you just tell me? Do we really have to do 'the coffee thing.' Do we have to pretend like the charade of conversation that tries to be both 'totes casual' and just bland enough to be casual professionalism is authentic? I'm sure your friend is a really wild guy and life of the party, but they will not be that interesting to me. They are hindered by the fact that I do not know them, they are going to ask me for something, and they are going to be self-consciously aware of how impossibly boring it is to be asked to work for strangers who aren't even that entertaining. Must we both be 1) be bored 2) anxious at the 'ask' and c) committed to some strange bond b/c you guys met at some summer camp/European backpacking/WASP-y activity when you were kids? Wouldn't it be better to not be bored and anxious? To just come out with it: I am shamelessly asking you to do something for free. It will take a lot more time than you think. If all goes well, this person will ask you for more follow-up favors. And then, if it really goes well, they will pass you along to another friend who will then ask you to work for free for a friend of a friend of a friend. Wouldn't it be better to be that much of an asshole to ask that to a stranger? To read a script for free, give life advice, fix a roof, help them move into a 5th-floor walk-up apartment?
Can I make you a deal? I have an aunt who is a really sweet woman but she has a very hairy and very smelly back. Well, it's not my aunt, but it's a friend's aunt. Anyway, she needs someone to go over to her house and scrub her back once a week. Yes, I know it's a bit of an ask to commit yourself to scrubbing the hairy smelly back of my friend's aunt but...they're really nice people. Really really swell. And you are a really nice person. So it's like a perfect match. And I've known this friend since the 3rd grade. He gave me a juice box one day at lunch and well -fast forward 3 decades later- and here we are. Can you do this work for free? I'll buy you some Starbucks coffee and engage you in 5 minutes of foreplay conversation? Isn't that worth it? And once a week isn't that much of your time. She's not going to live long, and I heard you were a really nice person so could I recruit you into working for free for my friend's really nice aunt. Your hands look really strong too and I'm sure her back doesn't smell that bad? Come on, nice person...what do you say? Free work for someone you have never met before? And if it goes well, my friend's aunt knows a guy with really bad toes who could use a personal foot rubber.
*And then I wake up in a cold sweat. I look around. I'm in Brooklyn.*
Can I make you a deal? I have an aunt who is a really sweet woman but she has a very hairy and very smelly back. Well, it's not my aunt, but it's a friend's aunt. Anyway, she needs someone to go over to her house and scrub her back once a week. Yes, I know it's a bit of an ask to commit yourself to scrubbing the hairy smelly back of my friend's aunt but...they're really nice people. Really really swell. And you are a really nice person. So it's like a perfect match. And I've known this friend since the 3rd grade. He gave me a juice box one day at lunch and well -fast forward 3 decades later- and here we are. Can you do this work for free? I'll buy you some Starbucks coffee and engage you in 5 minutes of foreplay conversation? Isn't that worth it? And once a week isn't that much of your time. She's not going to live long, and I heard you were a really nice person so could I recruit you into working for free for my friend's really nice aunt. Your hands look really strong too and I'm sure her back doesn't smell that bad? Come on, nice person...what do you say? Free work for someone you have never met before? And if it goes well, my friend's aunt knows a guy with really bad toes who could use a personal foot rubber.
*And then I wake up in a cold sweat. I look around. I'm in Brooklyn.*
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