Wednesday, April 10, 2013

34: An Honest Assessment

I begin my 34th year on this planet in a state of flux. I sit here trying to make sense of everything. I have projects, friends, and a lot of great inspirations. My spiritual practice has hit another platform from which I can operate. My inner sense of peace has expanded so that, even under extreme pressure, I can come back to center. And at the same time I'm left wanting more.

On the physical end of things, finances could be better. Juggling freelance projects means having to scramble around to pay the rent. Healthcare coverage is out of the question along with a fancy gym membership, yoga classes, and the things I would like to be able to have for security. My savings are minimal to non-existent.

Career-wise I haven't had a show produced in years. Yet my credentials and credits continue to expand with producing projects, dramaturgy, writing/directing for web. I don't know if any grants are coming in or what the next year may hold. I have given thousands to charities to help others. This is money that -obviously- could have been used for those fancy gym memberships, healthcare, buying designer clothes, and other things. In general I try to give half of everything to charities and not-for-profit orgs. I do this with the belief in karma and planting seeds. And I have experienced the enormous benefit. But some times I wonder why is it so slow?

My parents are in a relatively-stable state with my Dad bed-bound and my Mom taking care of him. I don't know what the next few months and few years will be.

There is so much uncertainty. Yet, when I look back over the last several years, all the uncertainty has transformed itself into amazing experiences, opportunities, and friends.

As I enter this 34th year I feel both like a lot has been achieved and yet there is something lacking. It would easy for me to say that what's missing is material things. Yet, there's no doubt that some material things would give me a feeling of more stability.

If prayers and written words do matter, then I guess I'm writing this down as a living record. Ever since I was a child I would do this and, generally, I attained all that I put my mind to over the last 3 decades.

So entering my mid-30s, it's too late to turn back out of fear. There is so much more to do. I just have to put it out there and open myself up.

I do desire a larger and more prosperous work life. I want to focus on writing/producing a few things at a time, at increased pay and other professionals. I want to serve in a more efficient way with my writing and philanthropy flowing together. There is so much potential in this next few months. Now I have to do the internal work in my mind and with my spirit. I'm going to have to ask for a lot of help, guidance, and love.

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