Peers + Time = Fate

 In my ever expanding, fantasy curriculum of mandatory courses, I would definitely have a college class titled 'Peers: The Right Ones.' On the first day I would tell students '"look to the right of you, look to the left of you. These are your peers. Some of them will help you, some of them will hurt you. Most of your peers have no idea what they're doing in relation to other people, but some are re-enacting scenarios from childhood and will continue to do so for the rest of their life, some are being held hostage by emotions, some are self-motivated, and some are free, some will motivate you to pursue truth, and some will try to get you to buy into a lie. And some just want to party and bullshit.'

The people you choose to hang out with will determine the rest of your life. More than a teacher or even your parents at this point, your peers will determine where you look for jobs, love, housing, family. The group you associate with will determine your mood, your outlook, your work ethic, your drive for learning. This is THE most important factor. And most people choose peers by default. They kind of slide into friendships based upon fairly arbitrary things -whether someone made you laugh on a particular day, or the clothes, or attractiveness- and then you might find yourself entangled in a life-changing relationship with someone who is a detriment to your dreams. It's not their fault for hindering your dreams. It is the fault of the selector, so it's time to be more selective based upon where you want to go. It's time you became more conscious of your peers.

I was having this conversation last night with another POC writer. He's highly successful, self-motivated, and clear-eyed. He's spent most of his life avoiding the cool kids. Now they're in his rearview mirror. We are peers. 

We talked about high school groups: the "you ain't shit's" and the 'delusionalists" The 'ain't shits' are the dregs. They hang out at the bottom. They're comfortable there. It's dark, warm, they can huddle together and muse cynically about how much smarter they are than everyone else because they quit the game. They are free because they see 'THE LIE' of capitalism, public education, adulthood, jobs, pop music. They see 'the lie' of progressive and activity...so they have chosen the opposite. Everyone is a bit of a Holden Caulfield in high school, but the 'aint shits' have found each other. Now they're a flock of Holden's. If you have a dream, they will poke holes in it, deflate your energy, mock your drive as capitalist patriarchy or find some phrase. The 'aint shits' are easy to avoid and somewhat cliche. The danger is when you fall under the sway of a charismatic 'ain't shit.' They're either attractive or funny or they're the school dealer or the rich kid who has access to fun stuff. But you put up with their circle because you're hoping to gain some short-term pleasure. 

The opposite are the delusional narcissists who throw your judgement out of whack. You sing at karaoke and they hype you up as Tina Turner. You're an ok athlete and they convince you that you're going to clobber an opponent...so no need to workout. They expect you to return the favor and hype them up beyond reality. Each delusionalists is an emperor in exile. They deserve all the best things and so do you. Every prize won by someone else is an unfair denial of brilliance. Their optimism has a cult-like sway to it. Within the group, you're amazing. Outside of the group, your equilibrium is thrown out of balance. So...you stay in the group. It becomes hard to make new friends who see you in plain light. They're just 'haters.' I think a lot of my writing peers are in the delusionalists sect. They work on their craft a few times a year. Maybe they'll crank out a short piece, putter around on social media, crack a few witty jokes, and then they wait for the awards committee to call. They want the reward without the actual labor and their selective group supports their toxic optimism. Eventually the weight of reality breaks the delusion and then we get to rage. Rage against the world, rage against an 'ism,' rage and fire. Their dreams were destroyed...by others. Broken, they become more self-absorbed. They need a steady stream of 'me days' and 'personal time outs' and staycations and 'selfcare Sundays.' They suffer breakdowns and addictions and crippling procrastination and writer's block and dramatic edicts about 'leaving NYC...you've changed' or leaving Facebook...you've changed, or leaving their particular arts field...it's changed.' Strangely, they expected things to stay the same or for the world to bend to an unknown name with little credits or hustle. They were told they were special by their parents and peers and now the dam has broken. Their castles are washed away. 

I've not led a perfect life, but I had done the zig zagging dance to avoid delusionalists asking me to join their cult, and the 'aint shits' who have given up. In some cases one cult leds to another: a broken delusionalists becomes an 'ain't shit' with time. 

There's a reason why the third of the Buddha's 3 Jewels is your peers. There's a reason why one of the foundation of all 12 step programs is your sponsor. There's a reason why every religion and philosophy spends to talk about the people you voluntarily choose to be around. Every great arts renaissance, political movement, inquisition, holocaust, and war has been a collective effort of peers joined together in some sprint toward its own illusion. The question is whether this shared fantasy helps or hurts the individual?