Allow for pockets of mystery." - "Becky Shaw." It's one of my favorite lines from any play this year. Susan, the mother in the play, offers advice on the keys to a successful relationship. You don't have to know everything all at once, all the time. You don't have to express every impulse or analyze every emotion that bubbles up immediately. You don't have to track the whereabouts 24-7. Plus, split-second reactions -tempered by anxiety or frustration- are often wrong because they're clouded by the feelings of the moment. Allow for pockets of mystery. Pockets...not oceans and not canyons. Things grow in those pockets...some times nasty things, some times magical things. But it's all right to have some mystery and not know. Things grow in the 'not know.'
I grew up before cell phones. So there was a lot of mystery. My parents would drop me off at school, and then there would be no communication for 8-10 hrs. If I took the bus to Highland Oaks Elementary, we might not talk for 12-14 hrs. And then in high school, I drove myself to and from school, so some days I only saw my parents late at night. You grew up expecting to not have access to the main adults in your life for most of the day. Sometimes I worried...and I had to learn to manage my anxiety. Sometimes my mind would create elaborate nightmare scenarios, and then I would have to manage my catastrophizing. Becoming an adult meant learning to manage your feelings privately so they didn't spill over.
Furthermore, when I was out with one of my parents, they had their own entirely unique persona. I've met some married ppl who drop their spouse's name in every paragraph or bring the ghost of their partner into every discussion. My parents didn't do that. When my mom was talking with her friends at church, she rarely brought up my dad. When I was at school with my dad, he didn't talk about my mom to his colleagues unless prompted. I don't know if this was a healthy, normal relationship modeling. But once again, this was before cell phones. Each parent was a solar system of friends and references. A portion of that galactic system would overlap with the other parent's galaxy. And then I was expected to build my own galaxy and have my parents within it...without dominating it.
Allow for dark corners. In creative relationships, sometimes I don't know about a choice someone makes, and I just STFU. I may have a theory. I may have a hunch...But I don't know. So I let the mystery cook. And sometimes I LOVE what comes out of that gap in time/space, while other times I realize 'yeah don't do that.' But allowing ppl to explore something new or dangerous means 'not knowing' and being in that pocket.
I've sat in classes and watched a director or writer destroy a play by answering all the questions after the first reading or first week.
When asked for an opinion, it is perfectly acceptable to say 'don't know...still processing...I'm cooking that...putting it in my prayers.' Unless you're a surgeon or an accountant. When it comes to ppl's money and bodies, you better not shrug your shoulders and offer up prayers about a client's tax returns like 'I guess we'll see if the Gods are in your favor this tax season!'
But yes...pockets of mystery. I don't know why I'm thinking about that. I'm in rehearsals, and I'm having this repeated thing happen of getting brilliant ideas at 1:30AM or 6am. After searching for an answer for hours, after sitting in mysteries during appropriate working hours, something goes BLOP. This thing pops out right as I'm lying in bed. The mystery chefs were cooking in the darkness. I drag myself to the computer to write it down. I don't know why my creative kitchen is firing off gourmet meals at 1:30... but I'll let the chefs cook because the food tastes good.
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