A flag was thrown on the play, and a referee announced the call: unnecessary roughness on the defense. The ball was advanced forward 15 yards on the penalty. I thought about how many times I've heard that call without processing it: Unnecessary roughness. And for some reason, on this day, it felt like I was hearing it in a funny way. Unnecessary roughness. By inverse logic, it implies that there is a 'necessary amount of roughness on the football field. Not an appropriate or acceptable amount of roughness. Necessary. In order to survive, in order to play, there must be a necessary amount of roughness. An essential degree of resistance or engagement must occur. What does that even mean, and is it applicable to life?
Necessary engagement. Necessary roughness. I think there is an unspoken code of 'necessary roughness.' I learned it on the playground. There was a certain, measured protocol that was never explicitly articulated but has persisted into adulthood.
I thought about a club bouncer and the necessary amount of roughness. If there's an unruly drunk person who refuses to get out of line it's considered acceptable to push or guide them. Acceptable. If they push back then some people would consider a punch to the body acceptable. If the clubgoer punches back then it's acceptable to follow up with some some more punches to the face and body unil the disruptor gives up. What is 'unnecessary roughness?' Well I think most people would consider stomping on someone, kicking them, hitting them when they're unprotected or unconscious. In videos, when this happens in a fight, there is usually someone who steps in to say 'enough' because there's an accepted belief that escalating things could lead to permanent damage, scarring, or death. Slamming someone to the ground and continuing to pummel them? Unnecessary roughness. But a bouncer's punch to a drunk person? Necessary roughness. The other people standing in line want to get into the club too. And this one person is holding things up. If the bouncer does not use appropriate roughness, they are annoying everyone else waiting, as well as the club owner.
Necessary engagement with bullies. My father discussed his childhood experience and how he stood up to bullies by sitting...on them. Crushing them until they gave up. The unspoken message was to advocate for yourself in the most nonviolent way. Years later, when I was dealing with a bully in junior high school, my words sufficed. I honed my verbal skills to say the most ruthless and cruel things until the bully felt so humiliated that things didn't escalate.
In high school, when facing another bully, cruel words did not suffice or de-escalate the situation. Jokes became light punches and slaps on the arm and behind the ear. Half-joking 'ha ha' forms of violence. I thought about it for a minute. Returning the light slaps would result in a slow escalation. So to cut it off at the roots, my teenage brain decided that the best course of action was one, severe, unexpected burst of roughness. It seemed unprompted but I waited until my tormentor was walking down the hall one day. And I feigned a joke 'ha ha' tease as an excuse to run up and kick him in the back. With my entire body. I have never kicked anybody harder in my life. I felt his body reshaping itself around my foot as it entered him for a brief moment and sent him flying down the hall. And then I pretended to be surprised 'oh wow...ha ha...well just giving you some motivation for the day.' I walked away. The next morning the bully smiled at me sheepishly and said he was in so much pain he didn't sleep all night. I said 'really? Oh wow, I didn't know I kicked you that hard, bro.' This bully never touched me again. And I never had to kick him or any of his friends because they had been warned that I 'didn't know how to tease back gently and it could result in unnecessary and excessive pain.'
In college there was a bully freshman year who made it clear that a measured, terrible burst of engagement would eliminate this person from my life. So it came to pass that one day in the midst of a game of snow football we ended up in a scuffle. I fractured/broke his leg. Not another word out of him. Ever. Or his friends. Ever.
But in retrospect, I realize that even one burst of roughness every few years or every decade can plant a powerful dark seed. Necessary roughness has repercussions, so perhaps active engagement is a better term. Meet the enemy with wisdom as quickly as possible. No shirking away from the confrontation but to do so with love.
Is there such a thing as necessary rough love? Engaged kindness? Energized equanimity? Can I play the field with this intensity?
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