Karma Kilowatts

I have returned to New York to find many of my artists friends with various ailments, neurosis, and fears. Yet, i feel more free than ever. Wisely, I keep this to myself as no one wants to hear about spiritual enlightenment in the midst of their mental breakdown. If only we call all see that the enlightenment and mental breakdown are of one in the same. They are made from the same stuff and have the same potential.

So we're living in New York as young, successful artists. We have our degrees, awards, fellowships, grants, commissions, prizes, medallions, plaques, and Boy Scout badges all in order. We have our therapists, dog walkers, cat sitters, and nannies all aligned in our astrology charts streaming from our iPhone 4S. There is nothing better, we are living at the peak condition in this form. And yet this is not good enough. It will never be good enough. Panic, fear, and doubt return. These feelings can't be destroyed by they can be diverted into more running, more moving, pushing, shoving, dying.

The question isn't the world or what is to be done in it, b/c this is all an illusion. It's the way and with what intention I interact with the illusion. If I interact in a way like something is out there that has to be won, fought, overcome, run down, then the energy I'm expending is for something that isn't really there. If I recognize it's not really there then I move differently. I dance with a shadow then I'm not trying to 'get anything from the shadow' because I can't. It's not real. But I will then pay more attention to the way I move and why.

If Plato, Buddha, Jesus, Einstein, and Lao Tzu were right, then the world is just a shadowy illusion. There is no boyfriend from his own side to win or fight, there is nothing to be run from or toward. I am playing with the illusions created by my consciousness. It takes some of the 'seriousness' out of my attitude and accomplishments as well as failures. it even takes the seriousness out of my religious practice, my vegetarianism, my so-called altruistic side. Now I'm beginning to understand why the Dalai Lama laughs so much.

 I was thinking about that last night walking down the street, taking my fancy herbs, and holistic juice drinks, and vegan this and in my head I started having a running, joking conversation with my NYC artist friends...'yeah, I'm collaborating with Yo Yo Ma on a lil thing...' 'cool, well I'm just polishing off a tiny musical or Sondheim,' 'rad, I just finished editing a book for Anne Wintour...a lil chat book' And I became aware that I have artistic friends in several different parts of the country. But NYC is the only place where my friends are all doing multitasking on top of multitasking.

I came back into this city to chill and have been handed a book revision and editing job, writing script bible for webisode series, show about blues musician, meeting with a TV producer/writer about his sitcom, doing consultation for new studio opening in Harlem. 

I've been here two weeks!!!  And I'm really not trying or pursuing these things. This is stuff people come up to me and ask me to work on. It feels like NYC magnetizes me and us, projects seem to come and stick to our skin. This is my illusion. I'm grateful for it but I know it's just a shift in consciousness. There is no need to struggle with it. Btw I owe producers 3 script revisions for 3 different plays ppl want to produce. This would have freaked me out years ago. Now I laugh. It'll get done when I feel like it, when the energy moves.

Karma popped into my thoughts. Not the mystical thing, but just the unit of energy, the wattage, the literal physics definition of a karma: a unit of energy arising out of a past action. How many kilowatts of karma does it take to live and be in this city as oppose to others. And my mind began making mysterious calculations like ' 1 week of good NYC living burns as much karma as living well on Miami Beach for 3 weeks. 1 week of NYC burns as much karma as 3 months in Iowa.' 

And maybe that's why I see the illusion of so many of my high-flying NYCers with ailments, weird knee injuries, pains, psychic pains, and other stuff that a general population in their 20s and 30s should not have. The kilowattage is extreme and it's so b/c I believe there is something to do. Out there.

But then it is possible to live like a monk in the midst of Manhattan, to keep that -as Melville wrote- 'solitary Tahiti' in us safe. It's a higher form of awareness people have been coming up to me and telling me, teaching me. It is quite amazing. Every time I feel the prod of buying into that old illusion, the pride of new things, the agitation of constant comparison to other artists, I get a little message: it's not real. How can I feel the pressure to achieve or the fear of failure? These things are nothing.

I am learning to give up on nothing in order to gain everything. And as a result I get to play with the illusions of this prosperity.But I don't buy into it. It's a dance of shadow.

Red Velvet Pancakes recipe

From Food Republic

Servings: 4

Ingredients

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

1 egg

3/4 cup buttermilk

1/4 cup sour cream

1 tablespoon red food coloring

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3 tablespoons butter, melted

Directions: 

1. Whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, sugar and cocoa powder in a large bowl.
2. In another large bowl, beat egg with buttermilk, sour cream, food coloring and vanilla extract until smooth.
3. Slowly whisk in the flour mixture, adding melted butter in gradually as well, until all lumps are out.
4. Heat a large nonstick pan over medium heat, then drop in batter 1/4 cup at a time to form pancakes.
5. Flip when bottoms are set and bubbles are forming on top and cook until firm and fluffy all the way through. 
6. Serve warm with cream cheese or syrup.

Art with Spirit

Art without spirit is circus: mirrors, contortionists, firecrackers, clowns, and lots of elephant shit. This thought occurred to me as I dived back into the writing and post-Labor Day projects.

The impending push of projects are starting to pop up. On facebook and emails, phone calls, and the repeated question 'when are you coming back?' I love projects, people, and New York. But I also fear backsliding into a spiritless fall season, consumed by 'getting stuff done.' I've been going to the beach and even there, they can reach me. The cell phone buzzes and wails in my little orange mandala bag. I think this through: I could shut off the phone. And yet I can't will myself. The curious devil in me wins out by playing the 'what if' game. What if it's a big producer, what if it's your mom needing help, what if what if what if. Like most Americans, I simply do not shut off my phone. It is a tether into the universe now equipped with email, text messaging, twitter, and facebook status updates.

Wearing the armor of renuciation, I'll begin to get back into the flow of New York City and my wonderful friends. With the right state of mind, these projects can shift and become teaching experiences for me.

The acrobats walk the tight-rope with the glee of challenging death for no reason other than to feel alive. And the crowd watches with a gleam in their eyes, thinking of tragedy. But with if the acrobat could fly? There would be no need for a tight rope, sweaty concentration, precise perfected steps with death on both sides. There would only be wonder and freedom.

Quantum Physics and Buddhism

Before going into retreat I began studying a quantum physic tool of consciousness called Matrix Energetics. I found it very inspiring and easy (just make measurements and collapse waves of information, while noticing). Before retreat I tried it out on my friend who found out she had a cyst in her eye. Several cysts, in fact. I called her from Miami and asked which eye and we played with some 'two-point' work. We then collapsed the waves of consciousness, stepped back, don't place judgment, and let go. I asked her a week later how she felt and she said the cysts were gone. Okay, I thought, maybe this is a new tool kit in my spirituality. Then I went to my friend who just badly broke her ankle. Once again. We noticed, collapsed and stepped back. She said her ankle felt shifted. By the way, I wasn't in the room. Both situations we talked over the phone, got a visual, drew it up, and played with it. For the ankle I was, in fact, laying on Haulover Beach with the Matrix Energetics book on my blanket and collapsing measurement over the phone. After all, it's quantum physics and time and space are 100% malleable. Perfect for Buddhist, where all is empty.

Well while in retreat I fell down the stairs. Badly. Really badly. I was laying on the ground and it's a silent retreat so it's not like I can scream or even call for help. Searing pain stifled into deep gasps. I drew up the matrix energetics and created portal back to when I first woke up. Then I kept stepping through to that time when my back wasn't screaming. I managed to get up. Felt a bit better. Kept stepping through that door, making 2-pt measurements on my back, collapsing measurement. Things shifted, an hour later I was back on meditation cushion for another 3-hr session. Meditating for 12-16 hrs a day and things just flew. True, I had an enormous lump on my back, but it didn't hurt. It was just fluid. This sounds crazy but falling down stairs was one of the best things that ever happened to me. My meditations became intense, focused, my purpose clarified, and things just flowed. Everything shifted. I also played with my Dad who had a lot of blood clots in his legs that caused him pain. I played with it, drew up some holograms, and sat back. When I got back to Miami my mom said 'what bloodclots? Doctor says he doesn't have any blood clots.' I asked my Dad and he looked at me confused, no, not hurting.

After retreat I taught some meditation and dharma at Aqua Nicaragua, resort my friend works at, and toured around the country for a few weeks. Another matrix energetics thing was that were in the jungle. Constant insects and animals. Everyone getting bit, stung. Nothing is happening to me. Well, the insects would fly on me and I would politely remove them or wag my finger like at a mischevious child. One day a guy asked me as he swatted away mosquitoes and batting a pesky wasp, 'how come you're not getting stung?' I shrugged. I have no idea. Glorious thing about Buddhism and this quantum physics stuff is that both state explicitly: you don't have to know how it work for it to work. I have no idea why people are getting stung, putting on repellant, and I'm just sitting there. Ironically, you know when I did start getting annoyed at mosquitoes? The few times I put on insect repellant offered at the resort. You can guess what I did? Stopped putting on insect repellant and then returned to the state of being unharmed.

We then went to the Poconos for some fire purification and closing ceremonies. My asthma would kick up again at night. Pollen, hot summer, dust in cabin. I two-pointed my chest and fell asleep. Next night, my chest was a little bit looser. Still I two-pointed it and dropped off to sleep. By the end I wouldn't even have to physically two-point. I would just draw it up in my mind and fall asleep. I'm beginning to think that this 'healing stuff' and shammanistic stuff and Buddhist stuff and Quantum physics stuff is all related. If we're all just patterns of light and information, then things can shift by measurements and creatvity. Of course, the karma is needed to shift but karma is also just patterns of light and information. If the karma is there, then the world is amenable to suggestions. Note, not my control. But things can be amenable to commands and suggestions, followed by getting out of the way and letting it go.

And just a few weeks before all of this started I was laying on Haulover Beach and asking open ended questions aloud (they say if you ask aloud open ended questions, answers will begin appearing). Suddenly, it was Nicaragua, teaching, meditation, Poconos, purification, matrix energetics. Like a tidal wave of answers to one question I asked aloud and let go of like a balloon.

Now I ask the question: what next? What next can I do to help, expand knowledge, and teach? Of course, I also say thank you. Enormous thanks for what was given. My Dad appears to have been stricken by several strokes over the last few years. I begin asking open ended questions: what if it were different? Hell, what if it wasn't even a stroke? What if this was some great big cosmic joke and what he really had was something entirely different. Just 'what if.' Not saying he can be 'cured' or that I will do it, or that praying will do it. But what if things aren't what they seem? After all a stroke is just an electrical disturbance of the mind caused by blockage. So what if things were to unblock? What if the electrical disturbance shifted? I take the measurement and let go.

I came out of the Poconos and had a 1 1/2 day stopover in NYC. Coincidentally it was the one day of the so-called earthquake. I taught mandala creation in the morning and went to lunch in midtown while the shockwaves were flowing. I didn't feel a thing. And then I left. Now I'm back in Miami for a few weeks and see a Hurricane about to hit NYC. Very surreal.

When I arrived back I went to my spot on Haulover Beach, which has become this free, tranquil spot. I laid there and asked what's next. I waited for my signals and then got in the water. I feltt the enormous charge of the ocean. I walked through the water. Little fishes began darting through my legs, following me as I walked  through the crystal clear. This is different I thought. I kept walking and meditating. Things were bumping against me. Soon I realize, they are jellyfish. No stinging, no pain, just bumping against me. Well, this is very different. Still I politely move away from jellyfish (don't want to be a daredevil about this). No one is in the water. Just me. Then a guy comes up and screams 'don't move!' He takes out a camera and begins filming. There's a manatee swimming alongside me. And I'm very near the shore. Now this is just surreally different, crazy! Fishes, jellyfish, and manatees. Oh my! I get out and see the purple flag. I go to the lifeguard station and see that the purple flag means 'dangerous wildlife in water.' Ohhh, so that's why I was the only one swimming.

This sounds crazy but these and many more experiences have been happening. Like kind, halo energy that attracts nice beings and protects. I am swimming in an ocean of jellyfish! A week later there's a guy next to me in ocean. He puts on his goggles. I warn him 'watch out for that jellyfish' and he dives in. Five second later he's badly stung and jumps up. He looks over at me with the question in his eyes: why aren't they stinging you? I shrug: I have no idea!

Drunken Hurricane

New York City is supposed to get grazed or splattered by the remnants of Hurricane Irene. The biggest threat is flooding, although there is a slight chance Irene will still have Hurricane-force winds. I grew up in Hurricanes. I still remember going sneaker shopping in the midst of Hurricane Floyd because my Dad thought the stores would be empty. Hurricane Andrew was terrifying but our home was spared.

Now this spinning drunken storm is set to bump up against the East Coast. I find it hard to fathom massive destruction or even epic inconvenience. Storms heading north diminish in power and often break up over rockier and more moutainous landscapes.

Still, I'm glad to be in Miami. I went to the beach and laid there on white sands thinking about Hurricane Irene. The water was a placid sheer green, mocking Irene's potential destruction with beauty and peace.

Nicaraguan Sonnet 11: From San Juan del Sur to Managua

The ox cart clumps by my tinted window.
Horsemen trot home heaving sacks of flour.
Families of white sheep munch pasteur and mow.
Nicaragua notes of few last hours.

A Mom scrubs child  in a metal basin
swollen brown rivers gush across our path
Smoldering volcanoe hypnotized gazing,
belching red hell of Gods´bottomless wrath

Pushing past sentimental snapshots retrieved
and leaving my hypochondriac fear.
The unwritten amongst the notes conceived
is deep in my heart, there is a love here.

Waiting in hotel for my Managua flight,
into the air and Nicaragua  night.

Nicaraguan Sonnet 10: Venerable Lobsang Chunzom

Wearing the curved yellow hat of wisdom

ultimate and deceptive reality

sandalwood fires the swirling red chunzom

characteristics of the quality.

Rik chi radiates shimmering light 

Ineffable and indivisible

paradise bodies suspended in flight  

withdraw rainbow prisms invisible.

Untouched by ticked time and fenced space,

Lobsang in quiet crucible beyond. 

Wandering amidst the burial place

 Eyes gazed on Those Already Thus Gone.

Enter through the heart strings strung tight

joining our hands, we dance through the night.